One with Conscience - បុគ្គលមានហិរិ

[Dhammañāṇa]

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

sut.kn.snp.2.03 | ភាគទី ៥៤

(៣. ហិរិសុត្តំ)

[២៣] បណ្ឌិតបុរស គប្បីដឹងនូវបុគ្គលនោះ ដែលមិនមានសេចក្តីអៀនខ្មាស មិនមានសេចក្តីខ្ពើមរអើម និយាយថា ខ្ញុំជាសម្លាញ់ (របស់អ្នក) មិនអើពើនឹងការងារទាំងឡាយ (របស់សំឡាញ់) ដែលខ្លួនអាចធ្វើបានថា បុគ្គលនោះ មិនមែនជាមិត្តរបស់អញទេ។

បុគ្គលណា ពោលវាចាជាទីស្រឡាញ់ ដែលខ្លួនមិនប្រព្រឹត្តតាមចំពោះមិត្ត បណ្ឌិតទាំងឡាយ កំណត់ដឹង (នូវបុគ្គលនោះ) ថា គ្រាន់តែជាអ្នកនិយាយ តែមិនធ្វើ។

បុគ្គលណា មិនប្រមាទសព្វកាល មានសេចក្តីរង្កៀសក្នុងការបែកបាក់គ្នា ជាអ្នកឃើញរឿយ ៗ នូវទោស បុគ្គលនោះ មិនហៅថាមិត្តទេ លុះតែបុគ្គលណា ដែលបុគ្គលដទៃ បំបែកមិនបាន ដេកនៅ (ឥតរង្កៀស) ក្នុងមិត្តណា បុគ្គលនោះឯង ទើបហៅថាជាមិត្ត។

បុគ្គលជាអ្នកប្រាថ្នានូវផល កាលនាំមកនូវធុរៈ ជារបស់បុរស រមែងញ៉ាំងឋានៈ គឺព្យាយាម ជាទីធ្វើឲ្យកើតបាមោជ្ជៈ នាំមកនូវសេចក្តីសរសើរ ជាសុខ ឲ្យចំរើន បុគ្គលក្រេបផឹកនូវរសនៃសេចក្តីស្ងប់រម្ងាប់ផង នូវរសនៃព្រះនិព្វាន ជាទីចូលទៅរម្ងាប់ផង ផឹកនូវរសនៃបីតិ ដែលកើតអំពីអរិយធម៌ហើយ រមែងជាអ្នកមិនមានសេចក្តីក្រវល់ក្រវាយ មិនមានបាប។

ចប់ ហិរិសូត្រ ទី៣។


Hiri Sutta: Conscience

One who,
flouting, despising
a sense of conscience,
saying, “I am your friend,”
but not grasping
what he could do [to help]:
   know him as
   “Not my friend.”

   One who,
among friends,
speaks endearing words
to which he doesn't conform,
   the wise recognize
   as speaking without doing.

He's not a friend
who's always wary,
suspecting a split,
focusing just on your weakness.
But him on whom you can depend,
like a child on its parent's breast:
   that's a true friend
   whom others can't split from you.

Carrying one's manly burden,
the fruits & rewards develop
the conditions that make for joy,
the bliss that brings praise.

Drinking the nourishment,
   the flavor,
of seclusion & calm,
one is freed from evil, devoid
   of distress,
refreshed with the nourishment
of rapture in the Dhamma.(1)

Quote from: https://sangham.net/km/tipitaka/sut/kn/snp/sut.kn.snp.2.03 https://sangham.net/en/tipitaka/sut/kn/snp/snp.2.03.than

[Moritz]

The last few weeks I was in my home town Cuxhaven.

The reason I go there is mostly to meet my father, because he needs some contact and maybe actual help (if he is ever open to that instead of sabotaging all efforts to try, after demanding and complaining and accusing, so he can demand and complain and accuse more).

I visited him one time to help something with his computer. It ended in a fight, but at least I could solve his problem before I left, and we reconciled afterwards.

Then came the next, much harder mission, and I prolonged my stay for two more weeks to try my best with it. It was about managing his paperwork. Bills or forms to fill out, which he needs to collect, and fill out this or that, and send some to his health insurance, some to another bureaucratic entity, etc. to get some money back for anything related to that. And things that may be relevant for taxes, and trying to get an overview what is important there.

He does not know anything about this. Or he does not want to. I also don't. But at least I am still younger and my brain works well enough, I can learn things like that if I have to.
About the health insurance stuff - I have nothing like that to do for myself. But it seems quite simple. The only problem might be that he needs to remember which bills he has paid, and to keep them sorted and fill out something and send it to this or that place (or hand them over to me or whoever who can do it for him).
About the tax stuff - my own tax declaration is always very simple. I don't know much about it and have to learn it every time again, but it is simple in the end the little bit I have to fill out for myself. For him, it is probably much more complicated. He just sends all to a tax consultant who does the tax declaration for him. The only problem might be to know what exactly is relevant for that and what he needs to include there.

He always had someone else do that for him in recent years, stopped doing it for himself. Up until some time in 2020 he gave all his stuff to a woman from his church choir who did all that for him, and he paid her some money for it. The tax stuff would go to the tax consultant, but his choir sister probably kept an eye on it and sorted out what is relevant for taxes etc. to send it over there. He was very satisfied with her doing the job and trusted her. But then she killed herself. They talked a lot about suicide together, because he also had such thoughts, and thought of and discussed methods how to do it etc. But she then actually did it one day. So then he had to deal with his bureacracy stuff again or needed to find someone else.

So he gave it to another church choir sister. But he was dissatisfied with her performance and communication, thought she was unreliable, and complained a lot about her. I had to listen to that for a long time, and told him repeatedly that I could maybe understand that stuff and help him with it if I take a look at it, not being very sure about it, because he was never very clear what all this stuff is actually about that he cannot handle. He mostly ignored my offers and continued his complaints, sometimes considered it for a moment, then added more complaints that "others have children who take care about such stuff for their old parents but I don't". He ignored my offers to try and help for many months and repeated his complaints and accusations.

But now suddenly he came back to my offer, during a time where I was very busy and stressed with work. So of course I promised him to try my best and take a look at it. He took all the stuff away from his choir sister, told her that his son will now take care of it because it is so hard to communicate with her, and brought it to me. I tried my best to get any hints or information on it from himself what exactly are the things to do with it, which he needs help with, while he and my sister were visiting me in the office. It was very hard, because my father does not like to deal with this stuff, so he does not like to talk about it. He was not listening, not trying to answer in any helpful way, just glad that he had gotten rid of that ballast and always changed the topic to some other distractions, before he finally left and let me go back to my work. Later on the phone when I tried to talk more about it with him he told me not to worry too much about it, because I have enough work to do, and maybe I could just look at it a little bit in my free time.

I did not have much free time and hardly slept that week. After some long and useless talk on the phone a few times he finally gave me the phone number of his choir sister, so I could call her and ask her about it. My sister Marthe visited me on the weekend in the office to help look at and understand this stuff, and she called my father's choir sister to ask about it. We learned from her how to handle the health insurance stuff, that this and that has just recently been "processed", and that another folder is just stuff she sent to the tax consultant that he sent back as being irrelevant, and the other folder is just to collect and archive everything when it is done. At the moment, everything recently has been done. The main problem she had had was always to know which bills had actually already been paid, which is why my father's bank account statements are also collected there, which she had asked him for (which is the reason why my father so often complained to me about her being nosy). She seemed very helpful and conscientious and competent in this area and was able to explain well what she did. But she was a bit busy, on travel at the moment, so we did not want to disturb her too long.

We talked to our father about that, and agreed that Marthe could do the health insurance stuff, for which he would just have to regularly give her his bills once in a while. And about the other stuff, about taxes or whatever, we were not quite sure. There were so many other things in between and in the archive folder which were unrelated, like stuff about his testament, his contract about buying his land and house 45 years ago, things about his car insurance, water, gas and electricity bills etc. I thought some of the things might be in there which he might still need in the near future (like his car insurance stuff) and stuff that really had nothing to do with anything I could do (like his testament stuff), and would not be good to take with me. There was nothing for me to do with anything of it now. And the tax declaration would only be to do in one year again. So I told him that, and in his presence during our final meeting before I left, I tried to sort it all out once again in front of him and go through it and tried to get him a bit attentive and responsive, telling him that this and that are things he might still need by himself, and that is stuff that is old and just archived and probably never relevant again, etc., and that there was nothing I could do with it at the moment. Maybe I could try and understand what is relevant for his next tax declaration while I do my own, which I still have to do for last year. And I could look at his stuff while I do that, but now I don't think it's a good idea to just take this all with me. He was not very interested in anything of these details, and he did not want to take anything back with him, so we agreed that we would for now just leave it all with Marthe, and he seemed happy about that.

I was glad that my sister had taken on some responsibility, with the only clear task that we really had so far, things she is a bit experienced in, being a professional anorectic alcoholic who has a lot to do with health insurance stuff for her own destroyed body and mind, and she actually has not much else to do (being certified "incapable of work" and receiving rent, just doing a small job on a fresh market once or twice a week - but she is not actually stupid at least in things like this). Only that she goes to an alcohol withdrawal clinic the next three weeks (and then probably continues to drink afterwards). There is nothing urgent to do at the moment, but she would stay in contact with our father about it, reminding him of giving her his bills for anything health related. And I would look at the other stuff again next time I visit, not wanting to take anything with me now that he might then suddenly need and has no purpose in my hands at the moment. I told this all clearly to my father, and he seemed to agree with all of that, and was just glad to be rid of his ballast. Marthe also reminded him that she would be in the clinic for three weeks, but since there is nothing urgent to do, everything has recently been done, this should not be a problem. And he seemed to agree with that, and was just glad to be rid of his ballast.

I was a bit worried that he would think differently the next day. So I called him and talked to him about it and he still seemed to agree with all as we left it. And the next day, again I repeated that I left all his stuff with Marthe as we agreed, and am back in Göttingen now, and about these folders which were a bit unclear we could still look at that later. He still seemed to agree with that all, was cheerful, and assured me that this was all good. So I was glad: Finally, he trusts us now.

Then I did not talk to him for three days and was very busy with work. I called him multiple times on Thursday and did not reach him, and was a bit worried.

I tried to call him again on Friday a few times and did not reach him. Finally, in the evening he picked up the phone and was very blunt and in a bad mood. The usual stuff when something went wrong in his mind suddenly.
I asked him what is wrong, if he is not feeling well, and he just mumbled something incomprehensible and then said goodbye and hung up.
I called him again and tried to get some explanation what the problem was. He mumbled some incomprehensible things, did not want to be clear, finally some words and half sentences mentioning my sister, that she does not get in touch with him, all his paper stuff is with her now, etc., now she goes into the clinic.
I told him "Yes, but what is the problem with that? That was clear beforehand. There was nothing urgent to do at the moment and ..." And he mumbled something incomprehensible. "We might need to undo some of these things". - "What to undo? There is nothing done yet." - "I have ... something" - ? - "I will have to ask another choir sister to take care of it, and..." - "Okay, why?" - "Yes, I have sent both of you ... but then ..." - ? - "We had agreed that you would take care about my paperwork." (speaking in a very formal contractual kind of way now, with an accusatory tone in his voice) - "Yes..." - "And I have sent both of you some money for it." (He really did not like to speak it out.) - "Okay... ? I will gladly send it back to you. ... And I really don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. I'm really fed up with this." - "Ach ja?" - "Yes. Good bye." And I hung up.

And we did not speak again since then.

He had mentioned (slipping it in between the conversation in a mumbling, not wanting to speak it out clearly kind of way, as usual, underhanded, sneaky) that he had sent me some money for my efforts, while we were sitting together the last time, just before he finally left us with all his paper stuff that he does not want to know or understand anything about. I acknowledged it with something like "Hmm, ach...", and he continued the conversation in another direction. I did not thank him for it. I was not happy about it. I am not grateful for it. It is just a cause for worry and burden.

So I already knew about that. - 100€ on my account for "Vorschuss für Kontob."
I was thinking about sending it back then already, not feeling good about this statement. But he might interpret that in a bad way when he notices. We had some stupid back and forth about that in the past when I sent him back some of his poisoned money several times, and he insisted that I keep it and that we never talk about something like that again, to have finally "peace" again.
I decided to keep it for now, thinking it is not inappropriate for the waste of time and sleep, and the effort of going against my father's constant intentional distractions from and avoidance of discussing and clarifying what there is actually to do.

But I am not grateful for it, and I will not thank him for it or anything like that ever again.
So I knew about this, and just hoped it would not be a part of the usual terrorism. I felt somewhat confident on Monday that all would be okay. But it turned out as usual again.

So of course after this phone call I sent him back his money, as well as all the money he had given to me since 2021 and more. As much as I could afford right now.

He then wrote me some cryptic accusatory e-mails in the night from Friday to Saturday, and more on Saturday. Really disgusting and stupid stuff.

I spent most of Saturday answering him with a very detailed account, in neutral and sober language, of what we had agreed on, including the unclarities that we still would have to figure out, etc., and how he was not interested about anything back then, ignoring all my concerns that he might still possibly need this or that in the near future, which is why I did not want to take anything with me to Göttingen, but that he seemed to be happy with just leaving everything with Marthe for now, who lives near him with my mother, knowing that she will go to the clinic soon for three weeks, but which should not be a problem, since there is nothing urgent to do at the moment, because it all just has been recently done by his choir sister.

I then wrote down a list of all the payments he had made to my bank account since January 2021, and that I had sent it all back and so and so much more, which I could just afford, in order to buy myself out of the infinite debt, due to all his "generosity" throughout my current lifetime, to the extent I am able to right now.

I then wrote that I might still be willing (this is not sure) to help him with any concrete task he might have for me, including trying to find out what would be relevant for his next tax declaration while I am doing my own for last year maybe in one or two months or so, but please not for money.

And that he should take his time to think about whether he wants to give his paperwork stuff to another choir sister he can accuse of all kinds of bad things against payment, or to his misbegotten children. And that he could let me know via e-mail how he has decided, once he is really sure. And that I do not want to talk to him again until then.

I have blocked his phone number. Not yet received an answer to the e-mail from him. Maybe never will.

[Dhammañāṇa]

Beings suffer because thinking to have control about others, things. The more they in that way love each other, meaning to regard something as own, something as refuge, something under onejs control, the more they hurt each other, themselves.

No assisting is ever wrong, if patiently find an opening. No giving of helpful is ever wrong, independent whether an other is able to take or not (depending on his possibilities). It's how ever always hurtful if forgetting that being are heir of their actions and nobody could actually help another doing the right thing.

It's of course even more hard that a modern social system could help better as a 'natural' family, community. At least natural ways leave an opening for working out one's way. "We do the work for you", how ever, binds beings even not knowing to whom owing debts.

Three things are always praised by the wise: generosity, renouncing and render assistance for ones parents (people of goodness, one owes much).

And there is always enough left one could give, thinking on time and means one spends for enjoying sensual pleasures, so never really required to neglect other real duties. Seeing things in this way, that going after whats good to do actually helps one to get right of useless addiction, that's when one starts to see that such possibilities to do 'hard job' are actually gifts that could be used to really grow and get independet.

May Nyom Moritz finds ways to use the resources occupied by the five evil friends (nivaranas) and use it for liberating. The five who call: "Oh, pleasing, go for that!" or "Thatjs not right, unfair! Solve that first" or "Lets rest first a little" or "The is so much other work not done. This will be not done, if that" or "It would be of no use either. There must be another way, shortcut".

A blessing if having worked out ones ways to be able to just relay on alms, a blessing contentment and modesty in regard of gains and supports within the sensual sphere. Freed from the five evil friends, outwardly, inwardly, together with the seven admirable (bojjhaṅga), there is no more stepping back. The sphere when one becomes a real helper for himself and others by being able to give without trades back to anywhere in the world.

[Moritz]

Thank you, Bhante, for the helpful words. For some time it had helped me to think better yesterday.

Now two days busy with work hardly able to concentrate, no answer from my father yet (probably refusing to read my e-mail), but the whole sibling-ship has gotten involved to some extent.

Now my big brother, as I've heard, is fulfilling the duty of travelling from far away and to bring back the paper stuff to my father, and entering the conflict zone.
A lot of impractical nonsense, but hopefully helpful and not damaging intervention to prevent more escalation.

My brother has always been responsible for the difficult diplomacy in our family until about 20 years ago when most healthy relations broke apart (with much of my "help").
I hope he can remember the importance of that role, for which I had always admired and looked up to him, which required much patience and goodwill to all sides, and that no one could fulfill better than him.

Now he has just recently returned from an alcohol withdrawal clinic. He is not healthy, depressed, without work and without clear purpose in life at the moment (but still sober, as far as I had heard and hope to still be true and continue to be so).
I wrote an e-mail to my brother (copy to my father, hoping he will want to read and try to understand my thoughts as well) after hearing he is going there, trying to explain a bit what happened, which might be confusing to him, and more annoying and troublesome if he does not know the details. I hope there will be no fight, but some understanding.

(continuing the saga in a non-public topic in German, in case of interest and possible advice)

[Moritz]

Aramika  

Ein oder mehrer Beiträge wurden hier im Thema abgeschnitten und damit in neues Thema "An Jakob (und Papa vielleicht, wenn er will) " eröffnet, dem angehäng.

One or more posts have been cut out of this topic here. A new topic, based on it, has been created as "An Jakob (und Papa vielleicht, wenn er will) " or attached there.