Giving care

[blazer]

The last two days i have given assistance to a very sick relative.
Having abandoned my job months ago, i had the time and i offered as volunteer for the caring. Please note, giving care has never been my talent, aspiration.
One main reason i've done this is that i have recently heard from Buddha's words that i have a big debt to that person by definition.
It is also true that i've been carrying a huge amount of hatred toward this person because i considered for so many years, and still consider, its behaviour extremely harmful for my person. Having lived with that person so many years resulted in great suffering. Stuff that can bring one from heaven to hell.
This person also tried to convince me to abandon meditation more than one time, time ago.
Since today i struggled maintaining patience i left out that home, having another caregiver come in my place.
 
Giving care to this person is very dangerous for me and preferred to leave, at least for now. Also, it is extremely hard to work properly when giving this service. Mind wandering, expecially on my past, taken place and i didn't notice most of the times. Now i'll try to wander on streets and get some relaxation, peace, restore. I'm very tired and got pains in the body.
I tried to express the highest compassion for the suffering of this being. And still this person shows disrespect toward my person. In general, I've found myself in strange mental states. Now caught by some agitation.



Any advice, guidance is welcome
 

[Dhammañāṇa]

The are five proper occasions for giving into generosity, Nyom blazer , when a being new arrives, when about to leave, when lack of food, when sick, and someone with virtue at any time with the best one can give.

As for relations of goodness, like parents or others who gave one sphere to become, conditions, means, skills... actually everything, one could carry them a whole live on ones shoulders, massage, wash, feed, give them all wealth, one still would not be able to repay it, yet if one turns one's stingy parents to generosity, unvirtuose, to virtue, unwise toward wisdom... such, aside of the common duties, would be a child of real gratitude, did the best to repay their goodness.

That's a great opportunity and good if not missing any change to act grateful as possible.

[blazer]

I will try, Ven Johann, thanks for the support.

Strange destiny. I tried to correct the behavior of this person so many times in my life, without lasting success. I told this person this behavior was so harmful and will be going to suffer so much for this in the future. It happend that illnesses taken me, a young me, and more illnesses taken this person.
Once in the far past this person shown high disrespect toward me: instead to embrace and joy my smoking quitting, this person preferred to smoke in front of me to show its "superior position". Much suffering came.
A few time ago this person has taken (among the others) an incurable, painful sickness that came from smoking.
Destiny of bad misdoings? That question came in my mind many times.
Right destiny? This also came, more times.

My world view has been heavily distorced because of this person, which i think is totally fool.
I will review your words again after having taken some rest.
Explicit question: does Ven. Johann consider the best for my path to sacrifice dedication to seclusion and to give care instead? Can try my best but it looks to me that i would not be able to reach significantly high concentrations in this conditions.

 

[Dhammañāṇa]

If Nyom blazer should call father, mother or caregiver "this person" that best and without excuse Nyom does best for himself to change the addressing right here, how ever improper defilements would prefer to regard.

No relation, not even a merely freely chosen, can be left without gratitude, not to speak of one which one owes a lot.

It's of course not the case that one is required to be grateful for real harmful deeds, but even if not perfect or not beloved, parents actually have No real duties at all, gave at first place, even not knowing the arriveing at all.

(And: smoking, if not something causing shamelessness isn't really harmful, at least much lesser than any other food, not to speak of sensual enjoyments)

Burdened by sickness has the cause of harmful behaviour, causing others pain, ill-will. So good to turn far away from ingratitude, ill-will caused by wishing to control (love, holding on).

Without metta there is neither help for oneself nor for others, without being mindful on ones bodily, verbal deeds, feeling, mindstates, and remembering the Dhamma, one harms where ever trying to help.

Yet, if one's "God" dismisses one clearly, doesn't wish one to follow one's duties, how ever one dries, it then no fault to step back and does one's best in the background, at least with best wishes, giving freedom, and a heart of gratitude, Nyom.

[Dhammañāṇa]

Explicit question: does Ven. Johann consider the best for my path to sacrifice dedication to seclusion and to give care instead?

 

Nyom blazer , if nobody else would look after parents, it would be not so good to leave, and without asking them, it's also not proper to seek the homeless life.

Yet, having asked and gotten leave, then, even if the parents would relay on one for care, it's a gift that one needs to decide alone.

Again: it's impossible to grow into Dhamma, to gain even Jhanas, not to speak of path, fruit, if parents, and other Gods, are not put on right place in ones heart.

It's impossible to lead a fruitful homeless life if that, right view, isn't solved at first place, ever, especially moder/western try: non of those will be regarded as gone forth under the Sublime Buddha yet.

[Dhammañāṇa]

It's a blessing to be able to give what ever 'back' to one's parents and 'Gods', very, very less go after, are capable.
Meeting things has causes, good and not so good. But without sacrifices at first place, how could one expect to meet better, best, Nyom blazer . It proper and wise 'selfish' to take the good, oftern much harder way, that against common ways, because at least all that Nyom does, he does 'just' for himself till reaching the stream.

Don't he miss possibility later, if more clear, maybe no more able at all. One who gives good never loses, especialky if based on virtue and good-will: Gratidute.

[blazer]

About "this person": i would have addressed properly offline. The purpose was not offensive.

No relation, not even a merely freely chosen, can be left without gratitude

This is what i'm used to miss toward people which continues to act in wrong ways despite the fact i'm bringing patience and trying to clean their views.

What are the other Gods others than own parents?

[Dhammañāṇa]

About "this person": i would have addressed properly offline. The purpose was not offensive.

No relation, not even a merely freely chosen, can be left without gratitude

This is what i'm used to miss toward people which continues to act in wrong ways despite the fact i'm bringing patience and trying to clean their views.

Good to foremost clean one's own view, Nyom blazer . And how?

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

From "I have a right", demand:

..."And how is one made impure in three ways by mental action? There is the case where a certain person is covetous. He covets the belongings of others, thinking, 'O, that what belongs to others would be mine!' He bears ill will, corrupt in the resolves of his heart: 'May these beings be killed or cut apart or crushed or destroyed, or may they not exist at all!' He has wrong view, is warped in the way he sees things: 'There is nothing given, nothing offered, nothing sacrificed. There is no fruit or result of good or bad actions. There is no this world, no next world, no mother, no father, no spontaneously reborn beings; no brahmans or contemplatives who, faring rightly & practicing rightly, proclaim this world & the next after having directly known & realized it for themselves.' This is how one is made impure in three ways by mental action...

...to duty and urgency to do not increase but work on way out...

..."And how is one made pure in three ways by mental action? There is the case where a certain person is not covetous. He does not covet the belongings of others, thinking, 'O, that what belongs to others would be mine!' He bears no ill will and is not corrupt in the resolves of his heart. [He thinks,] 'May these beings be free from animosity, free from oppression, free from trouble, and may they look after themselves with ease!' He has right view and is not warped in the way he sees things: 'There is what is given, what is offered, what is sacrificed. There are fruits & results of good & bad actions. There is this world & the next world. There is mother & father. There are spontaneously reborn beings; there are brahmans & contemplatives who, faring rightly & practicing rightly, proclaim this world & the next after having directly known & realized it for themselves.' This is how one is made pure in three ways by mental action.
...

Quote from: https://zugangzureinsicht.org/html/tipitaka/an/an10/an10.176.than_en.html

What are the other Gods others than own parents?

The first Gods are the birth-giver, then those how nourished one, gave medice, shelter, clothes, care, then those who introduced into this world, speech, walking, skills... that common teacher, and the those guiding toward good and heavens, and at least those Gods impossible to repay, him/her leading to firm refuge toward the games, those leading to certain mind-release, and then him/her to Unbond, Nyom.

It's possible that one might have them all in one or two relations, or by many, till stream.

[blazer]

Thank you, Ven. Johann.
I'll try to fix this view. It is a big challenge. I think it was almost fixed in times i kept no contact.
It looks to me that giving care to a person who badly harmed you is 100x, 1000x times valuable than giving care to "neutral" people, so i cannot understand how such debt cannot be repaid.
What does Ven. Johann thinks?

 

[Dhammañāṇa]

One doesn't owe debts to harm and deprive, but to giving, Nyom blazer . Parents give what one desires, sphere, 'flesh', bear much, much burden and could have it removed like a pest sucking blood uninvited or occupy food, place...

Nobody did that for one other then once parents. It's million times higher that human-being are killed by their parents, often right after they get aware of possible burden with the guest.

How many beings did Nyom feed, who started with making burdens when arriving till today? Less would even give it a thought how many times a mother feed them, carried... don't remember, know, what parents sacrificed for huge time.

It's so crazy that in the West people often feel more devoted to pets (although they have no intentional goodness at all, are just addicted and easy to control) than to their parents.

Why? Because not seeing sacrifices of giving but just approve of what their can control, make their own "don't hurt" them.

It's important to be clear that one wished to come, arrive, take place. Nobody forced one to take birth.

Like here. Many took and take care, provide for all that one can take on existance in this more refined realm.

Again: good to try to list, possible ask, of how much and what was sacrificed. Often people are not aware of the "God" around, and when sometimes appearing, it seems like as having come down to harm.

But that's also an issue for parents, to know that their guests, children, are not their own, but just guest one takes care liberal. It happen always that when there is much love, much desire to control, that harm arises naturally.

And again, with gratitude, seeing the sacrifices one received, as child even demanded, forced (by the power of illusion, love), one can tell such, tell to now wishing to go on, and ask whether there would be an open debt one could solve (that's what one does when asking for going forth).

As it is a heavy thing that parents let go of the fruit of so many sacrifices, in traditional countries, to good remember the goodness of parents and leave proper, leaving ceremony might be 3h for the quite shorter ordination.

Modern people, so influenced by wrong view, leave and miss to solve the base: right view.

And as it's also a matter of metta, it's as well a giving freedom from one's side, letting go of both, wishing to nurish on and to control (making his own), knowing the goodness done well.

[Dhammañāṇa]

There are some good reads on right view, gratitude, Nyom, beginning with The Lessons of Gratitude

See also: Parents: Two short Talks on Gratitude, by Ven. Thanissaro Bhikkhu, The Right Angle: It’s Never Wrong, by Venerable Luang Por Liam Thitadhammo and Gratitude, by Ven. Maha Boowa Ñanasampanno.

People sometimes argue in ways "but they just give out of defilements, innoble...", like a lay person once justified to have no gratitude toward his wife's sacrifices: Good to remember that one received the gifts, consumed, got in relation, as well and likewise defiled and innoble (for simply sensual food).

It's ok to leave a contract it seeing harmful for one or others in it. When changing to another innoble one has to fulfill it fist. Just a real Noble way would allow to stop on one side (yet nevertheless knows goodness previous done).

[Dhammañāṇa]

Via sangha-messenger, yesterday, there was much about sickness and attending to the sick. What about Nyom blazer 's interest of what the Buddha had to share about the matter.

* Johann : btw. , if he likes to join, althought most in Khmer language, Atma thinks he's surely most welcom. If needing email for dhammic purpose, such could be arranged.

[blazer]

Thanks for the follow up, Ven. Johann.
There's actually a lot to think about on those themes, probably more than i can currently handle.
Thinking about it, and being honest in it, requires a lot of effort. Obviously, there is a debt, noone can deny it.
And debt is there to be repaid, not for hurt, true.

But still, parents may do it "for love", but also "to get someone who will take care of them later", or also "to give sense to their senseless ( so by their own fault ) lives", and so on to more unskillful intentions. They are victims of more than one illusion, often, at least in not so few cases.

Said this, they own a credit in any case for satisfying basic needs and eventually more.
But there can be cases when a child, or a person, wishes to not be born because of misdoings of parents. I have seen many cases of suicidal attempts, caused by behaviors done by parents, so bad that can determine such actions. So, it looks to me the debt, in such cases, has been consumed, dissipated, faded in some way.

It looks to me many people own a pet because they have total control over it, and the pet usually don't hurt them, and is "always loyal". I have observed it many times.

 

[Dhammañāṇa]

For example: Within the Buddhas Sasana a preceptor or teacher counts as father of his disciple (child) and there are some accounts on duties when sick:

Kucchivikara-vatthu: The Monk with Dysentery

It also counts the qualities for best succes by patient and attend.

(And mistreat of pets isn't unusual as well)

What's Nyom blazer s sphere of deeds, that of which he has some control over? Control of how others conduct, act? Control of fruits arising?
As for the Buddha, he advices to take most control over, hold on, metta and Satipatthana.

[Dhammañāṇa]

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

"And how is one made pure in three ways by mental action? There is the case where a certain person is not covetous. He does not covet the belongings of others, thinking, 'O, that what belongs to others would be mine!' He bears no ill will and is not corrupt in the resolves of his heart. [He thinks,] 'May these beings be free from animosity, free from oppression, free from trouble, and may they look after themselves with ease!' He has right view and is not warped in the way he sees things: 'There is what is given, what is offered, what is sacrificed. There are fruits & results of good & bad actions. There is this world & the next world. There is mother & father. There are spontaneously reborn beings; there are brahmans & contemplatives who, faring rightly & practicing rightly, proclaim this world & the next after having directly known & realized it for themselves.' This is how one is made pure in three ways by mental action."

— AN 10.176

Quote from: https://zugangzureinsicht.org/html/tipitaka/an/an10/an10.176.than_en.html#mind